Unpublished

I find myself writing this post with every intention to leave it unpublished. My mind is in a cumbersome state and it helps to keep the consciousness stream flowing. I have to say most of my frustrations come from lacking something. Caress, finesse, and for both words lacking to be better describing how I'm really feeling Unloved.

Physically, I have to admit my body has changed. Everyone said it would happen and I suppose I never envisioned it feeling this way. Unsettled, dissatisfied, and down right weak. These feelings are unfortunate, you see, on the inside I feel like my old self. I still go through the daily mind steps to exercise, eat right, well kind of. My body craves certain things I cannot fully control.

Sugar, comforts, energy.

Allowing it to become ambitious and do things like register for a Turkey Trott and then eat an endless buffet meal following it on Thanks Giving. Guilt is perhaps another word to describe my daily feelings. I need more releases, more adrenaline to approach my daily tasks. Some things get my heart pumping, but very few can do it as rapidly as I need.

They're all just excuses. Every last sentence I come up with mentioning how this is for this, and that must be that way for that. Do I feel like I could run five miles? Not necessarily physically, but mentally? Can I swim more than 500 yards without taking an intermission? No, not right now. Could I before the baby? Yes, at one time.

How can I bring myself back to the time when I once felt great? Record myself dancing again, find a place to meditate, run to destinations, stretch, swim only on days off, and stop thinking in some way sugar will further my metabolism burning any fat at all. It won't.

Reality Check!