The Light of My Life

There is really something about when you completely stop doing something your passionate about that leaves a void. Lately especially, I have been craving a good writing session. I suppose the fulfillment lacks there due to my busy schedule and the uncontrollable speed of time. Getting closer, and closer, to graduation I envision myself having more time to write.

My brain has been on the verge of overloading many times in the recent months, I have so many moments where I'm like "AH! That's it! That's how I'll start my book!" Then, it's gone, on to the next thing. "AH! That's what the future holds!" (Right)

My devotion to my baby girl puts me in awe every day. I've yearned to be a mother forever it's just funny, what better time then now, when everything else is going on that's when life has the most surprises. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, embracing the feeling that literally in less than 4.5 months I will have a degree, only makes the light shine brighter right in front of me. Someone find me some sunglasses that fit the occasion...  Make 'em Shiny ones too.

I have no clue how many readers I still have for this Blog. All I do know is through this program and the hectic life I've been living I'm really finding my way. Soon enough a Creative Visionary will be reborn... Did I mention with a degree!!

Ailments

If we as humans allow ailments to control us we turn into fearful, corrupted, and miserable beings. When I met someone I knew nothing else but fearlessness. I looked forward to the next adventure as if it were the next chapter in life. Now that there is fear everything that lingers in the air for longer than a second I find myself distrusting where we are headed.

Whether I am baking, cooking, opening a window, or want to spray anything (including perfume or light candles) you scatter. Repenting so, I advise you you're over reacting, reassure you you are strong, and encourage you that anything can be overcome. However you rebel in saying nothing without a cure can be overcome, and get unbearably irritable to the point where I disappear into solitude.

Picturing us so far from where you will find yourself five years from now, if the way of thinking does not change and adapt to a more positive way of a life, or even one year from now, it hurts. My heart aches imagining our lives without you, and the thought that you have allowed something to make you so weak leaves love powerless. I am a firm believer that ailments can be overcome. Right down to the panic, anxiety, and inability to breathe at all can overcome anything you set your mind to.

More importantly I see a point being missed, every moment you dodge something you fear it and think it will kill you instantly. Life never happens the way you would expect it. Try and reverse your thinking in a way that will allow your brain to say, "I'm not dead until I'm done fighting with my positive way of thinking." Or, "Nothing can kill me the way I think I'm going to die life's not that sympathetic and simple."

When I reflect on all the years in my life, that's what gets me over being afraid, and that's what helped me overcome situations I didn't even think were possible getting through. Although, my age may not be as ripe as yours there is an even comparison/perspective. Everyone lives there lives through experiences and from what I can tell... You and I are two opposites alike.

Unpublished

I find myself writing this post with every intention to leave it unpublished. My mind is in a cumbersome state and it helps to keep the consciousness stream flowing. I have to say most of my frustrations come from lacking something. Caress, finesse, and for both words lacking to be better describing how I'm really feeling Unloved.

Physically, I have to admit my body has changed. Everyone said it would happen and I suppose I never envisioned it feeling this way. Unsettled, dissatisfied, and down right weak. These feelings are unfortunate, you see, on the inside I feel like my old self. I still go through the daily mind steps to exercise, eat right, well kind of. My body craves certain things I cannot fully control.

Sugar, comforts, energy.

Allowing it to become ambitious and do things like register for a Turkey Trott and then eat an endless buffet meal following it on Thanks Giving. Guilt is perhaps another word to describe my daily feelings. I need more releases, more adrenaline to approach my daily tasks. Some things get my heart pumping, but very few can do it as rapidly as I need.

They're all just excuses. Every last sentence I come up with mentioning how this is for this, and that must be that way for that. Do I feel like I could run five miles? Not necessarily physically, but mentally? Can I swim more than 500 yards without taking an intermission? No, not right now. Could I before the baby? Yes, at one time.

How can I bring myself back to the time when I once felt great? Record myself dancing again, find a place to meditate, run to destinations, stretch, swim only on days off, and stop thinking in some way sugar will further my metabolism burning any fat at all. It won't.

Reality Check!